I've attended seven funerals in the last 16 months, and one would think, after the third or fourth - they'd be easier to deal with, no?  Well in my case I've discovered it's getting harder and harder. 

I'm a baby boomer - and I certainly understand that attending funerals of loved ones, is something  I have to accept as an ongoing part of my future and also understand all the stuff that goes with the loss of loved ones   And I truly believed I was good with the fact that we are all going to die, and we should treasure each day we have and live it to the fullest and all that other,  "I'm at peace with myself, my spiritual beliefs, I know what life is all about...etc"   stuff I've been spouting for decades;  Only to discover - I've been bullshitting myself!   I don't feel in the least bit, peaceful and feel my ability to give peace has disintegrated into a realm of nothingness!

Having endured enough of lifes ups and downs (too many freaking downs for my taste) I also believed there wasn't much left I couldn't handle.  I was wrong.  The norm I've always known doesn't seem to exist anymore. I've never had a problem helping anyone when they're in need.  As a matter of fact it's a part of my nature and has been as natural to me as breathing. 

So what on earth has happened to me?  I've lost my words.  I've lost my ability to say what a person needs to hear.  I've lost the words that ease the pain.  I have no words.  They're gone.  They left me.  What's going on?  Shouldn't I have extraordinary expertise - with all this funeral experience?   What's happened to me instead is, my brain has gone  numb.  It feels empty.   The more funerals I attend - it seems the duller I get.

Please know, intellectually I understand  what I'm going through is part of my own mourning process etc....  As a matter of fact - a couple of the funerals are stories in their own right - one filled with both sorrow and terror, the other a comedy of events that would challenge a Jim Carey movie!   But my heart and my body don't seem to give a flying leap about my intellect.  And they're busy giving me a lesson on what rules  and intellect is not it! 

And I think the reason for writing this is because another dearly loved one is at the palliative stage and I need to get out of this space I'm in.  I sure could use some advice and trust me, for those that know me.... asking for advice is certainly not my style. 

Why don't funerals get easier?  And why do I feel so empty? 

Have any of you experienced a disconnect like this?